A Fragile Heart

Sometimes I just wonder, if it's all really all it's cracked up to be,
Cause there's so many lies, I can't go through them all,
I wonder, how the stars still shine above,
Even when the darkness threatens to swallow them all.

Sometimes I just wonder if it's all fake,
I just wonder why things happen as they do,
Wondering... about the harshness of reality.

I always try to stay strong, be true to myself,
But I still get misunderstood by my family,
I feel trapped in a web, a web of deceit,
As if I'm trapped in a gilded cage.

Everything seems so perfect when they aren't, not really,
I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of misunderstanding,
Suffocating behind the bars of the gilded cage,
Dying.

It's just so hard sometimes to keep going,
Everyone just sees me as someone
who is continually strong, accepting life for what it is.
It's true, of course,
but sometimes I just get so tired.

Sick of the expectations forced upon,
Fed up of all my mistakes and undeserved blames,
All the undeserved scolding and nagging,
Everything.

Even when I apologize for snapping,
The scoldings still continue on, as if I never apologized.
I'm so sick and tired of all of it!

It's these kind of days that I wonder,
If my life is honestly worth living.

I feel as if I'm trapped, dying behind the gilded cage.
I wonder if I would ever be free from this.
All of it.
The misunderstandings, the undeserved blames,
Unspoken apologies that I needed, wanted, knew I deserve.

Not even a proper compliment,
Only a "good" here and there,
Not truly appreciative and congratulating my achievements,
Not even celebrating them.
I'm so fed up with it all.

I do my best, work hard when I can,
But it's still not good enough, it's never good enough for them.
I just want to let my tears fall
and them to leave me alone.

It's these times.. I wonder..
If I would ever be free from this..
And be understood properly
For once in my life..
And have my achievements celebrated and complimented
instead of being down-trodden upon and hearing those words
"You can do better" or "You're smarter than this"

I just want to be understood.
Is it so hard to just try to?

I know they do, but it's so half-hearted, so unwillingly,
So reluctantly.

I'm so sick and tired of it all.

And when I just wanna live my life,
sometimes in ways that a teenager would,
With sleepovers and volunteering,
They would say "You're too young"

I'm fed up with it, sick and tired of their excuses,
Their stupid idiotic reasons,
As if it was a perfect world.
But it's not.
It's not perfect.
Mankind is not perfect.
Reality is harsh.
So why can't they accept it?

Why can't they accept me for who I am?
They don't think much of my hobbies, composing, writing, and other things.

I'm just so sick and tired of it all.
I want to be left alone for a while.
I'm letting go my tears tonight.
Letting out them all.

Ourselves - Don't Fear, Just BE YOURSELF

Often we wonder,
Upon a shooting star,
Why do we continue to put up masks?
Instead of being ourselves?

It's awfully strange, to be honest. We often tell people to just "be yourself" when we aren't being ourselves. It's as if a strange defense mechanism. It's either "There's no need to be like that, just be yourself" or "Aiyah, just be yourself lah" as we say in our typical Malaysian way. It can be said in many different ways; but the point still stands for itself anyway.

We put up masks so we don't get hurt. This distances us from the people around us, which is what may some of us want or we do it unknowingly. We fake a smile, a laugh, and think we can pass it off. But what most of us don't really know that a true friend, or someone who's very close to us or family can see it in our eyes. This worries them, because they don't know what's happening; or happened to us. They'd wonder "Why did he/she become like that?", "What happened?" And then there starts the overwhelming concern for our health and such.

We find it annoying. But the thing is, WE started it! We made them worry! So why don't they have the rights to worry? We shouldn't get mad at them, annoyed or irritated, because WE'RE the one who made them worry.

Sometimes we wish to be ourselves so much, but we're afraid that the world won't like us. We have fear of rejection, rejected by the world. So we become somebody else, somebody who's not us, and our personality changes. The way we act, the way we react, it's all because of fear of rejection.

We're so self-conscious that we have can't get out of our comfort zone. But I tell you this, get out of your comfort zone, adapt, it will be worth it. Because being yourself is ten times better than being someone who you're not.

If people don't like you for who you are, just go with the flow. You WILL find friends along the way, and maybe make some enemies. But who cares? Because you're just yourself.

Life is meant to be unpredictable! Ups and downs, good and bads! And hey, if life isn't a rollercoaster, it'd be boring and dull wouldn't it? We can't have everything going smooth-sailing for us all the time.

Because we need a balance.

Good and Evil,
Love and Hate,
Trust and Betrayal,
Honesty and Integrity, opposing
Lies and Deceit.

As dawn to dusk,
As darkness is to light,
As sunrise to sunsets,
As light to the dark.


If you can't be yourself, then who can you be?
Because one thing's for sure,
We aren't meant to be replicas of somebody else.

Only you can be you, and no one else.
Cause there's only one of you in the world.

Actions Are More Than Words

Truly, the saying is true.
Actions are more than words.
A simple gesture is full of meaning.
Yet, it is difficult to interpret,
But if done, understanding is set.

An action can set one off,
And yet, can soothe one's soul,
As a balm to a wound,
An ointment, a simple cure.

My guilt reduced, self-disappointment drowned,
I can now focus more clearly on my goals.

I thank the fact, the fact that
Actions Are More Than Words.

Fall From Grace

Disappointment.
A veil of darkness, a cover of shadows.
It embraces the heart,
Leaving an empty shell,
of a once great angel.

How? How can a simple emotion,
Fall a great creation?
A beautiful perfection.
It is an enigma of mystery,
Cloaked in its own secrets.

It was the angel's downfall.
It was the angel's fall from grace.

My Words Will Speak For Me

Have you ever wondered why you exist?
Why you were made the way you were?
There's always a reason, always a path,
It only depends on what you choose and if you want to.
Why does this world exist?
To complicate things or weather every crisis together?
Each has a path, to choose, to take,
Depending on personalities, and changes.

This I ask myself, why do I exist?
Why am I here?
Shouldn't I not exist?
This, I ask myself, in a dark time.
And yet, a presence soothes me, bringing me back to the light.

There is always hope within,
So long as you have faith, trust and believe,
Seeing now, as I have God and my spiritual family,
I know that I can live.

Despite the darkness, the shadows of the heart,
It is a balance to the light, as night is to day,
Dusk to dawn, and the sunrise and sunsets.
Endings mark a new beginning, and each beginning
always has an ending.

They make me strong,
In good times I laugh and smile, others I cry and brood.
Yet I do not care, for I know that I have my family
and my true friends to fall back on.
My spiritual family, my blood family...

They are what keep me strong.
Which is why I will finish this race,
Finish this walk.
For them, myself and God.

Just a Quickie

::VERSE OF THE DAY::
::Written by me::

Life is a truly wonderful thing,
Full of joy and happiness,
Despite the pain, grief and sadness,
Friends are always there for you,
To make you smile and laugh,
Vanquishing the darkness,
From your heart,
Lightening the burden of your soul,
This is friendship forevermore.

Hey guys. No, I'm not dead. Just busy and stuff. Really. =) Anyway, theory exam was just over yesterday @.@ Thankfully. Phew. News.. Um... Nothing much. The first monthly test of the year was just over and I led cell group games for the first time last week - 12th March. It was an extended version of "Truth or Dare" and believe me, it was HILARIOUS. Why? Cause:

• Damien and Vincent had to act out a proposal scene. Vincent - Recipient. Damien - Proposer and and..mid-way proposal.. guess who almost tripped over a bag? -amused-

• Allan and Wei Mun got DARE, so we DARED them to drink raw egg. They shared. And the thing was when it came to Allan's half, he asked for soy sauce which Patrick gave him and put inside. The color turned into..some mutant green-ish color. EW.

• As for Ju Yinn and Jia Wern, they were DARED to sing. They sang Tik-Tok.

• Me and Bernice had a rant-off.

AND... THE PAIR WHO IS MISSING FROM THE LIST...
BETWEEN THE SENTENCES THAT MENTIONS THE ALLAN - WEI MUN
PAIR AND THE JU YINN - JIA WERN PAIR....

PATRICK AND ANDREW, WHO GOT THE MOST
AWESOMEST, HILARIOUS INSTRUCTIONS OF ALL...

AND... IT WAS...
TO SING THE ABC SONG. OPERA STYLE.


YES WAY. THEY DID IT.
ONE LETTER PER PERSON.


Suffice to say, we ended up laughing like mad throughout almost the whole game. Not bad for my first time leading games in cell group huh? I was pretty surprised and it felt great to see that everyone enjoyed it. Maybe I'll lead again next time. Who knows, yeah? =)

Friends' Night this week! Woo-hoo!

!Hugs from!
-Michelle Lim

Ain't It Just Quaint?

::Verse of the Day::
::Written by me::

Why does it have to be so complicated?
But I can't deny that it's fun and interesting,
I guess that Life simply is an endless cycle, a running stream,
Flowing down ever so gently,
Life's but a dream,
Yet it can be of falsified things.

Been a long time since I've blogged. Been so lazy! Yet... busy. Unfortunately. Have so many tuitions till I wanna quit. NOT. Really. But I've got my friends to fall back on so I don't really mind. Nothing much to update, I'm afraid. Just the fact that I simply love the song "In My Arms" by Plumb right now. Church is awesome as always, school busy, life...is... complicated as usual. I think I'll finish this random post with.. what I'm gonna write next. Yep.

May our sorrows be forgotten,
Sins be forgiven,
Life be filled with fun and love,
As well as happiness.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
A dream is the tree of life.

-Simply composing

Happy New Year!

An epic start of a new long journey,
Filled with focus and determination,
As I wonder about the heresy,
A new goal, new aim, has been set in my mind,
I hope to accomplish so by myself for once, in a journey.
It is the closing of the previous chapter, the start of the next;
The closing curtain for the previous drama,
The opening veil of the next.
The dawn shimmers, bringing a new light to the world,
Embracing the world one more,
Shattering the previous darkness for all hope is not lost,
Hoping that this will be better than the previous,
Filling with extraordinary unimaginable changes.

With this, I say to all of you and wish you
A very Happy New Year!

Home

::Verse of the Day::
::Written by me::

It's been a long time since my fingers tapped on the keyboard,
Ever so rhythmically and clacking all the way,
The sound of music beating in my ears as each tapping finger makes itself known,
As I continue on the Christmas board.
As the music of "Love Story" plays,
I wonder if there even is a way and what role love plays,
In Life and Death, in Joy and Pain.

I'm curious, pondering this every day,
But to understand this, whether fortunate or not to say,
I have to experience it for myself,
for it is the only way.

And so my mind wanders yet again, to another part of my soul,
My heart, my mind, my spirit.
To the depths 'tis time, where I have ne'er venture into before,
The language of Old English plays out in my head,
As the music continues with its play.

Friends, I truly think, are one of the wonders of the world,
They are one of a kind, with a sense of individuality,
Whether they're simple or complex; 'tis matters not,
For they'll be just there, for always and eternity.

But 'tis not the matter which haunts me.
In fact, what haunts me haunts me every day.
My mind, my heart, my soul and spirit.
It is always there, in the shadows, lurking.
It truly haunts me.
It haunts my dreams; shattering my thoughts,
Never leaving me, for it is a part of me already.

Nevertheless, I will leave it alone for now.
For it is good to be home and well.

EMERGE

::Verse of the Day::
::Written by me::

Life is truly wonderful,
Full of gifts, wonder and magic,
There's so much to love and to be in awe of.
I feel as if I'm soaring across the skies,
Laughing freely, loving it,
Because my friends and I, everyone
are Arising!

I can't believe Emerge is already over! It has been a truly awesome, power-packed three days filled with meaning and fun. Rev. Dr. Kong Hee was the main speaker. Pastor Kevin and Esther, were there too of course. Some celebs attended the event as well! =) Will list them off after this. Anyway, congrats to MINT for winning Best Cluster and Emerge! Go MINT! xD Lol. Can't believe that VU CONQUERED the Design and Media competitions. O.O And YES, I mean ALL OF THEM. Seriously! SMU did a pretty awesome job as well =D

Imagine my shock when I learnt that Jay Chou, Jacelyn Tay and FIR were CHRISTIANS also. I was like "WHAT!? Are you kidding me?!" CHC is trying to get a hold of Jay Chou to come Emerge next year. And FIR also. If they come, I will honestly 99.9% fall off wherever I'm sitting in shock. Or something equally ridiculous. I think. Hahaha. =)

Attendance at Sunway Convention centre.. 3 days... 5 sessions.. I think all sessions got at least 2500 people O.O That's a lot of people I tell you! Yesterday's 6pm session, the last one, I reckon more than 3000 people O.O What else? Oh yeah! CHC released their FIRST MUSIC ALBUM. It's called "Unbeilivable". They have T-shirts with that word on it. And their T-Shirts.. really nice design. Material not bad also! =D I bought the CD. And the shirt. I listened to the CD at home. LOVE IT. =)

List of celebs who I know attended. I didn't attend Friday's session as well as Sunday morning's so if I miss out a few, don't sue me. =D Some I forgot. >.< I did my best to learn their names though @.@

• Wan Chean (Astro Star 2008 Winner)
• Shawn Lee (Malaysia's No.1 Beatboxer)
• Amber Chia (Enough said)
• Wei Chean (Taiwanese star. Is local)
• Hannah Tan (Enough said)

So.. yeah. That's whom I know who came.

Anything else? Hmm.. Oh yeah, this guy, Richard Tan, was the Emerge's Got Talent winner. He won RM1000, RM500 Crocs voucher... annndd... What else? I forgot Oo But really awesome prizes! He ROCKED the house with the song "Born to be Wild". LITERALLY. Everyone were like suddenly honestly energetic. The atmosphere practically CHARGED with electricity. He's like, Malaysia's version of Adam Lambert, courtesy of CHCKL of course xD

And there was this competition where the champions would win a LAPTOP home. No, really! I'm NOT KIDDING!

There was also an arm-wrestling competition. -amused- There were three categories. =D MINT won one of them. Oh yeah! MINT won the drama and POS competition as well! GO MINT! SMU, if I'm right, they took.... 2nd place for POS? Congrats to them as well! =D And there was also these group of people, called "Katoon Network" did an awesome dance performance. Very creative and amazing to watch. =)

Wow, this is a really long post. I THINK that's the end of it. Byebye~

-Love, love, love CHCKL. Can't wait for next year's Emerge!